I know who I am, where I'm going, and what I need to do to get there!

In the late 90's we were living in the beautiful state of Montana, raising a family of 5. We had moved there for a job, but later realized, that really wasn't why we were there at all. During these years we enjoyed our beautiful home with the acres of space, building a business, the rodeos and drill team performances with Carianne, and loved raising horses, and chickens, and the endless nights of watching the stars in big sky country. Brigette was a cheerleader at the local High school, and often the after game parties were at our house. 75 of more kids would come, play pool, hot tub, play volleyball using the headlights of there cars, and just hang out. It was a safe place, free of alcohol or drugs, and we loved having them all there. It was a good time in our lives, but what we gained during those years far have continued to stay with us, years later and miles away from Montana.

Being on the Cheerleading squad, and in the Rodeo environment, can be a challenge for a family of non drinkers. Sunday practices had to be missed, and often performances too. But through all this many young girls were often asking Brigette why she was always so happy. She would respond first by saying "because I always eat bananas" then she would laugh and say," its easy because I know who I am, Where I'm going and what I need to do to get there". In spite of hard times, the usual teenage girl drama, she still maintained and held on to these principals. She was an example to me of believing the most basic of principals, which I had taken for granted because I always had known about my entire life. For those around our family, it was not so easy. The path was not so defined, the knowledge of who they were or how much they were loved was not as clear.

They say hind sight is 20/20. Its been 10 years now, and as recent as last night I felt the effects of our time in Montana. We were not there for ourselves, but rather as an opportunity to serve the Lord in a place we were needed. 6 convert baptisms took place of those we met and befriended there. Several of those, Brigettes friends from her cheerleading days. And all because we were able to teach them first who they were.

Who am I? Each of us, is a son or daughter of God, who loves us. We have value and he is there to help and guide us. Where I'm going? Well that depends on me. If I follow what I have been taught and the example of my Savior Jesus Christ, then where I'm going is down a path that leads me home to live with my Heavenly Father and eternal family, and free of Satan's deception and heartache. I will have more choices in life, because I will not have limited myself by making poor choices that lead to bad behavior and remorse. How do I get there? I will follow the Lords plan for me, as directed through his gospel, and prophets. I will have faith believing in myself and in all the Lord has promised. How blessed our family is to have this knowledge and to not have to go in search of it!

So many of us don't know these basic principals. Especially the very first, Who I am. Last night a co worker from those days in Montana and a friend, called desperate for help. Its not too often we have heard from her. During our time in MT she was introduced to the Missionaries, who helped her to quit smoking for a time. She loved how good she felt and enjoyed the Elders. But her circumstances at home made her ability to improve herself almost impossible. Being in a very violent, abusive relationship meant, that every time she was strong, her husband would beat her down. She had turned to alcohol to ease the pain of the beatings. Often these lead to her being found in the emergency room with cuts, endless bruises, black eyes. We pleaded with her to get away, but she lived in fear, she felt worthless, and didn't want to lose her children which he threatened to take away from her. So for years she endured this pain. The Elders were told to stop seeing her, because her husband did not approve. For years we have watched this. We have tried to encourage her, offer her opportunities to work, and give her hope. But she didn't have faith in herself, because she didn't see any value in herself. This plea for help last night, left us wishing we lived in Montana again. But all we could do was pray, and spend the time on the phone encouraging her to be strong, if not for herself, than for her children and all of their safety. He husband had finally been arrested just last month for domestic violence, this time turned in by her 12 year old son. Kerry spoke to him too. Asked him if he was brave enough to tell the police all he had witnessed. And to help his mom to be strong, so she could get help for all of them. I sat in awe listening to the tone and spirit of the conversation. How inspired I knew my husband was as he spoke with this 12 year old boy miles away, giving him hope,and encouragement. He told him he could call any time and his words would be safe with us. While all this was going on, I found the mission home phone number, and called. Its been a while since I had done that :) I gave her address and background to the Elders, and requested they go to her home and see what they could do. Only 20 minutes later, our friend said, "wow that was quick the missionaries are already here, but my house is a mess." We could hear the Elders say, "its fine, it doesn't matter, we are here for you." and she said "that's what Kerry told me you would say." Our conversation ended for the night, there.

This morning we received a lengthy voice mail. It said that she was very glad the missionaries had come to her. They had helped her realize she wasn't so bad. She knew that she had a lot of work ahead of her, but that she needed to start somewhere. She thanked us, said she loved us, and said "they are coming again today at 3:PM I'll call you after they leave."

Those Elders had given her the most important thing they could. Hope. They had let her know she was worth it. That who she was, was a daughter of God, who loved her.

As we knelt as a family we prayed for those missionaries that they would be inspired. They were in tune, and went to do the Lords work, the very saving of souls. To help others to come unto Christ. How grateful I am for this gospel. For those who listen to the promptings of the spirit and serve with all there heart. In my absence I knew exactly who to call. None of us can do it alone.

I will never be the same because of those special years in Montana. I was blessed beyond measure to have made some of the sweetest memories, lifelong friends, girls who I consider my daughters and are now raising beautiful families, and all because I was able to share the most precious thing I have. My knowledge of who I am, where I'm going, and what I need to do to get there!

FEAR is the absence of HOPE and FAITH

This past weekend has been uplifting and amazing and yet difficult for me. Difficult because I made it that way for myself because I let fear take over. But once I replaced that fear with hope and faith, POOF, fear gone, and a wonderful and amazing spirit entered my home and heart and made all things possible, even the hard things. As per court order, I am the a supervisor for visitation of my granddaughter every 1st and 3rd weekends. I accepted this appointment out of love for my granddaughter, and my daughter who I would do anything for to help ease the trial she faces as she is required to sit with her ex husband during these visits. So for this weekend, lets say I gave her time off from the burden. She however, being a mother, could not help but worry about her beautiful little girl, and if she was OK, and how she was feeling, knowing visitation even for her is not the easiest thing. Would she be OK with just Grandma there? Who would she run too when it got hard or uncomfortable? Would her cries be heard, and her spirit calmed? I can only imagine her fears as she left this task to me, knowing I would do my best, but wishing she was there to love and comfort her child. Over the phone I heard her tears as she talked about her concern. So not only did I feel the burden of being everything Lucie needed me to be, but everything a loving mother who was away needed me to be, and then there was my own desire to be the mother, they both needed me to be. It felt like quite a huge task. As the time for this weekend approached one by one my support group, AKA my immediate family, left to go out of town. Before Kerry left I was given a beautiful priesthood blessing, and was promised angels would guard and watch over, Lucie, Devery and I as the events unfolded this weekend and always as in the past. I can testify that yes that did happen. Before I began my first supervised visit, I felt overwhelmed, and remembered that promise given to me in that blessing, and so I went to the Lord on my knees asking for strength to do what needed to be done. Visits went well, and peace filled the home, and almost instantly, because I turned from fear to faith. With the second visit being in the morning on Sunday, this would prevent me from attending my regular church meetings. So with a perfectly good excuse as to why I was not there, it could have been easy to not worry about it and just accept the fact that I would not be going to church this Sunday. But, I knew that I had a responsibility to my young son who had stayed home with me, and to my Savior, to show him that not even this situation could keep me from feeling the spirit and partaking of the sacrament in sacrament meeting. I had to show my gratitude in every way possible for the blessings I had received. I was SOOO determined to go to church! So I looked up the various ward meeting times in our area and attended a ward that would begin after visitation. I had requested the ex to arrive 30 minutes early to allow us time to go to church on time, but he declined. This did not stop my determination, and I made sure the entire family was ready for church long before the visit, so it would be possible to attend church. Much to my surprise, he showed up 30 min early Sunday morning, This in itself was an answer to prayer. And so we attended Yucaipa 2 ward today. It always amazes me, how the Lord answers our prayers. Could I have possibly been in a better place to hear the message of hope and faith? For that was the exact topic as the speaker related a story of being kidnapped and robbed in Mexico at knife point. He referred to 2 of my favorite conference talks given by Elder Joseph Wirthlin, "Come what may and love iT !"and Elder Cook, when he said "hope ya know we had a hard time". We were reminded that fear is Satans way, not the Lords.

As I sang the sacrament song today, this verse especially touched my heart and tears ran freely as I sang:

We take the bread and cup this day,
In memory of the sinless one,
And pray for strength that we may say,
As he Thy will O Lord, be done".

I have been blessed with strength and a difficult burden been made light because of that sinless one who died for me on the cross. By following his example I could say, "thy will O Lord, be done". How grateful I am for my savior Jesus Christ, and his atoning sacrafice, and for the blessings I receive each and everyday that show his undeniable love for me. In the future, I'll make sure I try harder to remember to live with hope and faith, and not fear. Thank you my dear sweet husband, for loving me so much and being able to teach me by your example of faith in prayer, and the answers received through prayer, and through honoring your priesthood.(and for checking on me every few hours !) I love you!

Do we need a support system?

Over the past few years, our family has experienced some difficult trials and with that has come some amazing spiritual growth, but also some very difficult emotional struggles as well. Thankfully, I have the gospel of Jesus Christ, which teaches me where to go for my source of strength and to find answers. BUt with that great blessing comes a requirement of me, and that is that I must act in faith, believing Christ and in his Atoneing sacrafice which is the only way, I can be whole, happy and complete, and worthy of returning to my Heavenly Father. I know that as a mother, and a parent he guides and directs me to nurture and teach my children, I have felt that influence and guiding spirit, over and over. I am far from perfect, but my faith in him is strong, and I know he has entrusted to me these special spirits of his, for me to help on their journey, it is a sacred trust and one I hold dear. He obviously knew I could do this or I would not have this responsibility. It is a powerful thing to pray as a mother, and watch the blessings of heaven unfold before your eyes. In no way can I accept credit for what I have done, knowing it is only through the Lords help that I can do what I have. I have also been blessed with an amazing family. I have a worthy husband who loves me and his children, and is my greatest joy and love of my life. Having been born of goodly parents, I never had to search for the gospel, it was handed to me, loving taught to me, and shown how to live by two very loving but yet imperfect parents, people just like me. I regret how often I was critical of my parents, their choice of how they approached me, such as the hours of lectures, etc. But the fact that they took the time to teach, and the fact that I always had them there, to listen, offer advice, even unwanted advice, even with as much as 3000 miles apart, confirmed their love for me. They showed me in everyway, their love for me, as they prayed for me and my family, loved my children, fasted with us, and as my father taught my husband how to use his priesthood and offered each of us numerous priesthood blessings. They were not only our parents, but our best friends. How greatful I am for them, their example of love, and how alone I often feel without them. Now as a parent of adult children, I understand finally what they were trying to do for me, and my biggest regret is that I didn't see it sooner, that I wasn't more kind, appreciative, and loving toward them. That I didn't savor every second, even the uncomfortable ones with them. Its just one of those lessons, I guess sometimes we can not understand until we have lived that part of our lives. With all this in mind, and as I have struggled with the trials of the past few years especially, I have often questioned myself and why I have struggled so hard. Through a child with a disability, lost work, moving, marital struggles,abuse, divorce, death, more loss, adoption...some of the most difficult things a human can experience, as listed in multiply conference talks, and by professionals, I in my life have experienced them all and some. I always recognized the Lords love and turned to him for support, answers, and always received the blessings I needed to do what I had to do. So what was missing? As of recent, I realized, it was the need for a support system. Those special people, that you talk too and they listen and offer, honestly ideas that you already knew, but had forgotten, or you head was to swirling to remember. Often it is the kind words, of I understand, I'm here. I do have those people in my life, unfortunanly they just all live far away. So as I began to pray about this I have trusted the Lord with my burden, and asked that he help me to find that. I know its there...and YES its important. Recently I shared this with one of my daughters who does not share my views, which is fine, but I also know its because she has never been without her own support system, only blocks away... And so as I pondered this, and considered what she said about this, I began to pray more and study. Here is what the Lord reminded me of and helped me to realize.

1. Mary, the son of Jesus was visited by an angel and told of her bearing a son, Jesus. An angel also visited Joseph to explain to him what had happened so he would not fear and believe her. Joseph was her support system.

2. Elizabeth who was Marys cousin and childless was blessed with child, she too had the spirit confirm to her, of Mary and the christ child. Because her husband, did not believe he was made dumb and unable to speak until the birth of John the Baptist, because he lacked faith. John the Baptist paved the way for the Savior, and testified of him. He was a form of a support system. Elizabeth and Mary were each others support system.

3.Once the Savior was was here, he did have friends,and he refers to his friends in the scriptures, some of who were his apostles, that supported him and Gods cause. And while he was betrayed by one of them, there were still others who loved and stood by him, until the very end of their lives. As he hung on the cross he asked "why hast though forsaken me?" for at the moment, he experienced the feeling of being totally alone...alowing him to experience the lack of a support system and his ability to understand our pain,when we feel totally alone.

4.As Joseph Smith prayed and saw God the father and his son Jesus Christ, the only people who did believe him at first were his family, and then friends, and so on. Yes he has mocked, beaten, spat at, and all, but he too had a support system. Never did he stand alone in defense of his testimony or in his trials, which were many. But his family was his first support system.

5.As the pioneers crossed the plains, they did it in companies, not individual families. They would have perished had they tried it alone.

6.In our church today, we have visiting teachers and home teachers, that are our extended support system through the church, even when we many not be active and attending. It is evident to me, that the Lord did not send us here to have to experience life by ourselves in anyway, not only did he bless us with the constant gift of the holy ghost and the blessing of the Savior in our lives, but also each other. And he reminds us "when ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your GOD"

It isn't even possible for us to reach the Celestial kingdom without being sealed. So even that we can't do alone. If we are living as we should, and staying in tune to the spirit, we then will feel that still small voice, that says, "call....she is having a rough day" or asking a Relief Society president if she knows of anyone who needs extra help, or just step in and do something when we know of someone who is hurting,or maybe we just observe the child walking home alone, and offer a ride, or the widow next door that would enjoy a visit and maybe some cookies. Or the daughter that is overwelmed, that we listen too, and just say, I know how you feel, I love you, you can do this! We all need that support system, even our mothers and fathers, they too are not perfect and the Lord knows that, and thats why again today in conference our prophet reminded us, to help and serve one another, in our families, neighborhoods, church and said we need each other, we are the Lord hands. How grateful I am for this knowledge, and hope and pray I can better be of service to others, but also recognize that in my life at times of trial or need, I too, may be in need of some help from others, and thats OK too, for in that, I know my prayers, and the cries of the heart are being cared for by a loving heavenly father, who sent me his Son Jesus Christ, and he sent me loving Christ like hands to lighten my burden, lessen my load, and show me his perfect love. I will contiue to pray for that love and support system, because I can not do this alone, and I have faith that the Lord WILL answer my prayers, he always does! And I will know where to find those who can help me on occasion when my load seems to heavy to bear. I will also continue to pray for my children that they may have others who will support them in their times of need, especially when I cannot, because I too have watched the miracle of answered prayers, as they shared their stories with me, and I know that too is an answer to a mothers prayer. He is mindful of us all, and loves us so much, and our Savior knows every pain and sorrow, and joy we feel, because he too has felt them, I know this to be true, in the name of Jesus Christ, AMEN.

Time flys when you having fun...??????

There is a saying that "time flys when your having fun." I can remember hearing that and thinking wow, thats so true. But as the years have passed I've realized that time flys when we are NOT having fun too. As a matter of fact, way too much time seems to pass, that I stop and ask myself, "where did that all go?"

I have especially found this to be true as I grow older. It seems like just yesterday, that the current picture here on my blog was taken, and its been 7 months ago. What happened with all that time? What did I do with it? It seems to have slipped to easily through my fingers, that I never noticed how quickly life was passing by. I can recall some occations,shared moments as a family, a few good FHE nights, or calm Sunday afternoons, some periods of grief, trial, and disappointment but my memory struggles to compile enough to fill 7 months.

So I have decided to set a goal for myself. To write down every day, just one thing, special about my day, good or bad, but something that held some real meaning and that I learned or grew from.

I have told my girls, to embrace every moment their kids are young, poopy diapers and all, because before to long, those children will be gone, and they will all wish for the day when everyone was home. It happens to fast. So my goal is to gain more from each day and try harder to look at my blessings and the things I learned rather than what I didn't have time for.

Recently I was visiting with an old missionary friend. He reminded me of some ear muffs and a pair of boots I bought him while he was serving his mission in our area. He still had them, and his children (4 of them) would fight over wearing the muffs. He said the boots were too small but still so good he couldn't give them up and had used them while shoveling snow. He reminded me of how I felt bad that as he and his companion had performed some service for our family, his ears about froze off, so I purchased these for him, and that these were special to him. I hadn't thought about those items for over 10 years. Had he not reminded me, I probably would have never remembered. But as soon as he did, I instantly felt good, that I had done something that ment something special to another, and it had left a meaningful impression on his heart.

How often, do we do these simple acts for others, and take for granted the resources or opportunity to do such, but worse than that how often do we neglect to look for the needs of others and just let time pass us by...

So like I said, from here on out, I want to be more mindful of my blessings, of my life, of what the Lord has taught me each and everyday, and better show my appreciation for the life I have, because who knows at any moment, my time here on earth could end.

My To-Do list

Everyday I get up, and everyday I think to myself, what is on the to-do list today? Sometimes I wonder just why I have a to-do list. It used to be my way of making sure everything important got done. But 7 kids later, I've learned somethings about the to-do list. Everyday, my children seem to rewrite it for me. The daughter that needs to just talk, the child at school that forgot his homework or is sick,or me just missing my married kids like crazy and needing to catch up, a granddaughter that just doesn't want to be anywhere but in my arms or with me playing with her in the floor, my own illness,etc.It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, or how good intentioned I am, I never get to the bottom of the to-do list. So this obsession with the to-do list has been going on for a while. I am even good at making them for everyone else in my family. What I have realized is that the list should really be called something like... things I hope to get done, today or sometime in the next week, or even month, maybe...The things I know I can't remove from that list are the things that are not written. Family prayer, scriptures,service and teaching moments that happen everyday are just to name a few. Today my son was outside, doing his usual, working on a motor. This is what he loves and it is important to him because this is where his gift lies (well the only one he is aware of at this time in his life anyway) so I try to put up with the grease, the noise, the expense. When the girls where young it was dance lessons, horses, shopping for the perfect dress for dances, the hair, the makeup, horses, beauty pageant's, and now its just grease. Quite a change from years past of raising children. Aside from a neighbor complaining about the smell of horse poop, there was not too many times anyone complained about my children's extra curricular activities. But this new stage in my life has changed that. So the neighbor comes over and chews out my son for starting the engine on his motorcycle and informs him it is against the HOA rules. I've read those rules, and didn't get that memo, but whatever. The point is as soon as I heard the engine I was on alert already knowing what could be lurking down the street, and the fact that I had a sleeping baby, and he only had it running from the time I left my bathroom to walk across my bedroom to get some clothes. Maybe 2 mins at most. Of course the neighbor came over and chewed him out. A few months ago shortly after we moved in our home, we were cleaning out the garage, and the HOA came and took pictures of our stuff in our driveway while we set up shelves to put things on in the garage. And proceeded to yell at my kids and the neighbor boys who were helping move the stuff. And then there was the time a visitor got a ticket for parking the wrong way on our dead end street because the same neighbor called the sheriff. I could go on forever. So my momma bear instinct set in and I headed down the street to have a chat with the neighbor. It wasn't pleasant and all I did was ask that she talk to me if she had any concerns about my kids. What I heard from her, left me feeling like the biggest scum, failure, you name it, that I ever have been made to feel about myself. My son really didn't do anything that bad, but for the sake of bad feelings, which I was having,I wrote a letter to everyone of my neighbors and told them I was sorry if I had offended them. The kids then went from door to door and knocked and presented each neighbor with a letter. What more could I do? As I have reflected on this, I was reminded of some other times,where I had to stand up for my kids. And each time I felt terrible even though I knew I had done nothing wrong. My role has changed as mother to these older children, now when I hear how someone hurt them, or was unfair, all I can do is pray for them, and offer words of encouragement, maybe that is what I should have done today too. So back to today's to-do list. How much do you think I got done today? Only the things that are not written, and if that is all I got done, then I guess I'm going to have to learn to live with that, but my kids will always come before the to-do list.

My Life As A Grandma: My observations at the airport

My Life As A Grandma: My observations at the airport

My observations at the airport

I have spent a lot of time in airports these past 10 years. I even achieved medallion status with Delta! It is a place I don't mind being at all, because there is always something interesting going on and the feeling in the air is usually that of excitement, anticipation, and joy. Last night as I waited for a while for my "chauffeur" to arrive,(thanks Tim your were great, suit and all) I especially seemed to enjoy, just sitting and observing what has happening around me. There was a couple with a young child there to pick up the girls parents, what was interesting was the fact that they ALL where in their pajamas, slippers and all, and they were obviously very comfortable with their attire. Their appearance, was something I don't think i have ever seen anywhere,(in such a public place anyways)especially an airport, and I'm fairly certain never would have observed in Southern California. Next to me sat a grandpa waiting for his granddaughter. We discussed his attire because he was in shorts in 39* weather, and he felt it necessary to explain to me his choice, spring summer winter or fall, he wore shorts and nothing else.(I think he noticed the PJ'S group too) I knew his granddaughter as soon as I saw her. The look on her face, the embrace and tears that flowed freely when he asked if she was alright, and she shook her head NO. It broke my heart and I found myself instantly wanting to help, but there she was in Grandpas arms and I knew she would be OK. Then I observed a couple very professionally dressed walking arm in arm, quickly who were not paying any attention to anyone around, but stayed focused on their destination.On the other side of me was another grandpa, with arm crutches,nicely dressed,with a sweet smile, he spoke with a foreign accent,obviously a sweet old man. He greeted his daughter and his 2 granddaughters with open wide arms and such excitement, trying to stay in balance and not fall over from the twisted, crippled legs that held his small frame. After hello hugs, his daughter said with disgust on her face, "oh I'm too old for this". At this point, her father turns to grab his crutches and hurries to catch up to her as she leaves him there. Next I saw a young woman with a little girl maybe 3 or 4 in a stroller, come dancing through the security area, and run into the arms of a waiting man. She almost left her daughter behind, but she literally jumped on him and hugged him so tight I thought his head was going to pop off. He put her down and handed her a rose that had been his hand and now had recieved a little damage. An obvious happy reunion! Another young man was waiting and greeted his girl, with nothing more than a simple kiss, and off they walked holding hands, she being pregnant and they had matching tennis shoes that she wore with her dress. And then of course being in Utah, there were the welcome home balloons, and families waiting for missionaries returning home. A girls athletic team came through. I wondered what sport they played and where they were from. I reflected on the many times in the past, that i was there to greet others or be greeted. For me this was the first time I had had to wait for someone to pick me up, usually I rented a car or had mine waiting in the parking lot, so this was a new experience. I don't have a cell phone, and pay phones are a thing of the past, so I was feeling a little helpless and knew being patient was my only choice. I remembered all the times I was late picking up Kerry, and felt such sorrow, that I was not there to greet him with open arms. I'm so sorry babe! I'll try harder, promise. I also will never forget one trip Kerry and I took to Anchorage, Alaska and watched the reunion of one couple, that left us speechless, when we realized they couldn't seem to make it past the first phone booth to express their affection. (I'm haunted by this one, so tacky!) Last of course was the flight crew, one of which had been the crew from my plane. They had been so nice to me, since I had to sit on the plane with them for 45 minutes in Vegas, while they cleaned. I felt like I had made friends that day. And then of course there was the lady who sat next to me on the plane. I usually like to sleep, but recently I remembered being taught about our opportunities to do missionary work, and thought maybe I should try harder to be friendly and not covet my sleep. With all the traveling Kerry has done, he has had many opportunities to share his testimony just by telling people he was from Utah. I have seen him bring home business cards, and even send referral's for the missionaries. So this time I visited. And as we shared, I learned, and grew from that experience. What a blessing to me, to meet a perfect stranger, and yet someone who each were able to uplift one another over 1 1/2 hours through our sharing our lives experiences. I couldn't help but think that somehow my observations could have been filmed that day for some church movie. Because the greeting and welcoming that took place from those crossing over, reminded me of how someday it will be when we greet those loved ones who have gone before us. Grandparents, Mothers and Fathers, Sisters, Brothers, Friends, all us know someone who we can not wait to embrace in our arms and weep at our reunion. I am greatful for my time waiting at the airport, because it just reminded me of something wonderful that I can look forward too with all those I have loved during my time here on earth.